I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
