you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
