How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
