I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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