Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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