sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
