I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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