The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
