please come you make the beer taste better
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
