Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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