i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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