When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
