Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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