More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
