Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend