i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
