i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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