My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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