Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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