I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
