Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
