Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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