he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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