Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
