The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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