I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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