dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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