My liver just broke up with me...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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