I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So many bounce houses so little time
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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