i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
