Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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