Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
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dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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