you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
