I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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