I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
