just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
