Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
