here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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