Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
