Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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