just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
