There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
