My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
