Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
