When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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