Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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