i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
