I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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