Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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