The maid of honor just puked.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
