dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
