I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
