I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
