I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
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