dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
God, I missed his penis.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
