my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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