So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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