I wish my penis had an off switch
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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