I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
